For the final regular-season film of the year, Kevin chose for us the first “mainstream” John Waters film – 1981’s Polyester. Polyester was the first of Waters’ films to achieve an “R” rating (as opposed to either receiving an “X” or being altogether unrated), and, boy howdy was I glad for that!
So…literally Dr. Scratchansniff, then
The film opens with a campy introduction of its famous gimmick – the “Odorama” scent system (literally a card holding 10 scratch and sniff patches), which were to be rubbed and sniffed when the appropriate number flashed on the screen. For the video release we saw, the flashing numbers had been excised (because at this point nobody has nor wants to have a usable Odorama card) but it’s easy to tell where they had been, because they were always accompanied by a character of the film actively and conspicuously sniffing around. (Usually this character was Francine, but in one case it was another character – Dexter huffing glue.) The obvious gag of Odorama was to lull the audience into a false sense of security by starting them out with the scent of roses, and then to quickly escalate into flatulence and other obnoxious odors. Thankfully, we were 42 years too late to indulge in that particular aspect of the film.
Before the invention of no-pilling polyester, I see
The film proper takes place in Baltimore, and after a pleasant helicopter shot of suburbia, we are thrust into the unhappy life of a suburban housewife, Francine Fishpaw (played by Divine). Francine has no end of problems. In addition to being hounded by her verbally-abusive thieving and drug-addicted mother Francine has the following things going for her:
Could have been Rocannon’s, but no…
Her teen daughter Lu-Lu is a disrespectful nymphomaniac who ends up getting impregnated by her leatherclad bad-boy boyfriend Bo-Bo.
It said, “KID…have you rehabilitated yourself?”
Her teen son Dexter is a glue-sniffing foot fetishist, who turns out to also be the notorious TV-news-favorite criminal known as The Baltimore Foot Stomper – he ends up being imprisoned for his crimes against podiatry.
Ever get the feeling the characters in your film are laughing through the camera lens at the viewer?
Her husband Elmer is not only the proprietor of a pornographic theater (which results in extremely small scale – or perhaps more accurately low budget – protests being staged outside her home) but to top it off is also in the process of having an affair with his secretary.
Summerteeth
In fact, it would be fair to say that the only good thing in Francine’s life is her friendship with the fairly grotesque-looking former housekeeper Cuddles, who has now retired due to inheriting a fortune from a client. Cuddles is instrumental in uncovering Elmer’s affair, but the nadir of Francine’s life would seem to come a bit later, when, Lu-Lu having been sent to a Catholic unwed mothers home, Bo-Bo decides he’s going to trash his girlfriend’s house not because of her being shipped off, but because they didn’t give out Halloween candy. But, Bo-Bo is caught in the act by Francine’s mother, he shoots her non-fatally after which she shoots him fatally, after which Lu-Lu, having run away from the unwed mothers home finds him dead in her house, pushing her into a failed suicide attempt that causes a miscarriage. Also, the family dog hangs itself. The whole thing makes even less sense on screen, believe me.
Insert Tab A into B Movie (Joke credit to San Francisco International, MST3K Episode 614)
But of course things have to start looking up, and it goes about like this: Francine gets a divorce settlement from Elmer, Dexter returns from prison rehabilitated, Lu-Lu is now into macramé, and for no apparent good reason whatsoever the completely random but dashingly gorgeous Todd Tomorrow embarks on a steamy romantic relationship with our homely housewife…housedivorceé, I guess. Of course, there is a good reason, and that reason is that Todd and his real lover, Francine’s mother are trying to steal her divorce settlement. But then some completely bizarre thing happens where Elmer and his new lover break in to try to kill Francine but instead the whole affair ends in the two of them AND Francine’s mother AND Todd all getting killed so that Cuddles can marry her chauffeur driver and everybody who is not dead can live happily after. Please. The End.
I hated this movie.
There you have it.
This movie looks and feels like it was written and directed by a third-grader. It has nothing that makes a movie good. No plot, no character development, no humor, no charm, no acting – the only purpose of this film is to be overtly misanthropic and offensive for a campy hour and a half. And yes, there’s a difference between being offended and recognizing offensiveness, and no, I’m not offended, but this movie…this movie was offensive. To all of the senses, including, originally, olfaction. I guess there are people who like to watch this sort of thing, but I don’t understand them.
Cinema 1544: The As-Official-As-It-Gets Site 